The random home video observations of author and critic TIM LUCAS.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Hitchin' Up with LINDA AND ABILENE

Libido-churning eroticism in the long-feared-lost LINDA AND ABILENE.

I finally caught up with H.G. Lewis's once-considered-lost LINDA AND ABILENE the other night, courtesy of Vinegar Syndrome's THE LOST FILMS OF HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS startlingly beautiful Blu-ray disc -- undoubtedly one of the releases of the year, regardless of the films' individual, er, merits.

Set in the Old West, and originally X-rated for its scenes of two adult orphaned siblings who get tired of moving hay from place to place, LINDA AND ABILENE would be considered a stylistic throwback had it been made at the same time as Edwin S. Porter's THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY (1903). The plot is very simple: First Act) brother and sister resist each other; Second Act), brother and sister stop resisting each other; and Third Act) the brother attempts to restore sanctity to their home by directing his lust toward the saloon floozy Linda, and everyone loses.

Its highlights are anachronistic glimpses of Linda's silver toenail polish (not to mention her styrofoam-stiff boob job) and - my favorite - the jumbo-sized Band-Aid spied on Abilene's foot. The director did take care to remove it when the bottom of her foot was in closeup, and the mighty distracting gash across it makes us wish she'd worn her clodhoppers whilst preening nude in the shallowest "river" ever filmed.

Monday, November 11, 2013

From Morrissey With Love


Imagining what a Morrissey James Bond theme might sound like:

Oh Mr. World Domination you bore me
And I most sincerely wish that you'd go
And oh most sincerely just blow away and
Take all the boring evil you know away
Oh Mr. World Domination please go
Because we don't need your kind, don't you know
Nor the overbearing seeds of evil you sow
It's so boring to have to stop having fun

With John Osborne's kitchen sink realism
Because your solipsism's made me pick up a gun
So Mr. World Domination you can eat my Walther PPK
Lead, I promise, is deliciously good for you
And, as you die, perhaps you'll wonder how could have you
Been so full of you to act in such a flatulent way?
So Mr. World Domination, we've had quite enough
So you can bugger off
And I'll dance home, Mission Accomplished, I thank you.


Yes, I think it would probably go something like that.